With the Powerball Fever epidemic sweeping the nation currently, you’re probably seeing and hearing lots of stories explaining that you won’t win. The odds, they say, are against it, and there are lots of (usually) bad things that are more likely to happen to you. These articles pop up any time there’s a lot of money in the lottery. And they’re always so optimistic!
I prefer to look at it differently. I could win tonight’s drawing, or over the course of my life:
Be crushed by a vending machine 1.5 times.
Become a Saint in the Catholic Church 9 times.
Be attacked by a shark 15 times.
Being elected President 18 times.
Die from a bee sting 28 times.
Be killed by lightning 58 times.
Drown at the beach 88 times.
Be killed by a poisonous snake or lizard 94 times.
Become a movie star 116 times.
Die in an airplane crashes or be eaten by flesh-eating bacteria 175 times!
Die in a bathtub 208 times!
Win 266 Olympic Gold Medals.
Die when my pajamas melt or burn 443 times!
Date a supermodel 1,997 times (My wife might object).
Become a pro athelete 8,000 times (Somehow I think this is unlikely for me).
Be murdered 9735 times!
Be killed in a car accident 26,153 times!
Watch a bad television show 29,200 times. ¹
Think Donald Trump is an idiot 37,234 times. ¹ ²
Lose a limb or other precious bodily part to a chainsaw 39,426 times (keep those things away from me!)
Regret something 175,200 times (I can’t tell you what, too embarrassing)! ¹
Rather than be the center of attention in any of those scenarios, I’d prefer just to win the PowerBall outright and get it my 15 minutes of fame over with quickly. I’m just that thoughtful.
¹ These statistics were not scientifically determined, and in fact, were simply made up by me. Please establish no religious beliefs on the basis of these items.
² I know, like, duh!